My Time May Be Coming

It's been a very long time since I have written anything here.
There is so much to say and I am not sure where to start.
First, let's go back a ways and talk about last summer, or at least the end of summer. I tend to keep a lot to myself, but I talk to Rachel about a lot of stuff, never anyone here at home.
I have been feeling lots of pain in places I don't even mention to my wife. Of course, when I say anything to her, she just says she has pains too. So she doesn't want to hear it.
Another friend died, and I just took it like a man and didn't grieve.
My brother Ronnie, is becoming a vegetable and actually says out loud that he is waiting to die.
About 2 years ago, my golden retriever died on my kitchen floor and I held it inside too.
I made a terrible mistake in judgement and lied and betrayed my best friends husband, Jon Neil. That bothers me a lot, it was a despicable thing to do, I pray for his forgiveness, but I am afraid to ask for it. Right now I couldn't handle rejection. I think the worst part of it is, I am not sure why I did it anymore as I can't remember the details of it, just that I did it.
Now my St. Bernard had to be put down and I can't hold things anymore. Everything is catching up to me and I can hardly deal with it.
It's making me very depressed, I take pills every night to kill pain, but mostly to get to sleep. I also cry a lot for what seems to be no reason.
I think about suicide every day and how I would do it. My final conclusion on that is ... I would use the semi-automatic pistol.
I have looked into my life insurance, and it will pay, so my family will not be held liable for my bills.
I want to talk to my family, but when I do, they are always so busy and really don't have time for me any more. I still pay Kim's bills, but she hasn't talked to me in months and when she does, it's always a very short conversation... cell phone minutes, she says.
The only one I have left is my very best friend Rachel. Thank God for her. She talks to me every day. I love her as if she was my real daughter and would be devastated if something happened to her, or if, for some dumb reason, she stopped talking to me.
I never told her, but I get up an hour earlier than I would need to in order to be sure to have enough time to chat with her before I go to work. Of course, by the time she gets her kids ready for school and is able to chat, we usually only have about 20 minutes or so... sometimes more.
She seems somehow different since her last bout with depression, I think it's the meds she is taking. Also, maybe she is guarded as to what she says to me any more as it's no longer private.
Regardless of all that, I am very happy for her as she has started a business that seems to be growing and has salvaged her marriage.
I would lie, cheat, steal and maybe even give my life for her as I would for any one of my blood line children even though she is not related to me that way. And if you don't believe that, just ask Jon Neil, I'm sure he will support that concept.
I know she doesn't believe in God, but I do, and I pray for her and her family every night, including Jon. I guess it's my belief in God and my friendship with Rachel that keeps me from pulling the trigger. If I lost one, or both, I think I would follow through and do it.
I am looking into getting another pet for us both to attend to as Doris and I are so lonely right now. All we do is pick at each other, so we need something in the middle like a new pet to care for and to love us.
Today is the last day of January - 2010... I wonder what February holds for me.
I will do my best to deal with my problem as I don't want to lay it on Rachel as she has enough to deal with.
I have only one more question to ask myself, If I won the lottery for millions, would that solve my problems. Probably not, I would still be depressed.
But if I do win, I would keep my promise to Rachel.
She will always be the very best friend I have ever had in my entire life and I will try to keep it that way until the day I die.
Bottom line... I have to fight the impulse every day, who knows, someday I may lose the fight.
Let's hope it's not tomorrow.