I Am Going To Have A Hard Time With It

If Jon shuts down the Internet and I can't talk to Rachel, I will have a very hard time dealing with it. I have offered to pay for the Internet to keep it on and he has apparently refused to accept any money, from me, to assist them in their monetary problems.

I have tried to talk to Rachel on the Yahoo Messenger and it's being blocked and immediately re-routed to his cell phone.

I sent another messenger to Rachel from MSN and she accepted to use it. We did use it for a few minutes, but she wanted to watch TV. That proved that it worked and I didn't need another Net.Passport. I already have three. That one now appears to be blocked too.

Back to what will I do, I don't know, but I feel so strongly about keeping her as a friend that I feel like I would kill to keep her friendship. Of course, I wouldn't, but that's how I feel.
I do know one thing, that is if anyone ever hurt any one of my children, that would include Rachel, I would take appropriate action based on the hurt - even terminate if appropriate.
I also feel that Rachel is not getting some of my e-mails as I tell her stuff and a day or so later she says she didn't know anything about it, and I have to go over it again. WHY ??

I don't have much to look forward to every day, except talking to my one and only friend, Rachel; and her husband might take that away from me.
I am just as obsessed with talking to Rachel, as she is about Kelly. I get up in the morning and she is my first thought and when I go to bed at night, she is my last thought. God only knows, I know how she feels. Who knows, I may have some kind of a personality disorder too, I already believe we are kindred spirits. I wish she was my real daughter as I love her like one.
She is hurting all the time because of her feelings and now I will be hurting all the time because of mine, if he cuts the Internet off. I will go nuts and my family will not know why. How could I explain all this to Doris, she would see it as something else, then life would not be worth getting up for.

I wonder, if I did win the lottery and send her, say, a million dollars, what would she really do. Go out on her own and be free, or continue with life as it is.
I probably won't live long enough to find out anyway, as I think the doctors know more than they are saying. I am in physical pain all the time. It hurts to sit, stand, bend over, walk and it even hurts when I go to bed. I sneezed a little while ago and the pain that ran up my back and across my sholders was almost unbearable, what is that.? I know that I won't survive the third cancer attack, so I have resigned my self to simply go peacefully. There will be no Chemotherapy or any other recommended treatment. I will use pain pills and also natural cures I found on the web, who knows, they just might work.
I guess when you think about it, Jon doesn't have to shut me down - God is going to do it for him.
So, now I must be prepared for the mental pain and anguish in addition to the physical pain I already have to deal with. Sometimes, I get the feeling Rachel gets tired of talking to me, but, I will never get tired of talking to her.
I once said I wanted to live to be 106 years old, on second thought, who in hell would want to live for 35 more years in the pain that I have to endure every day. When my time comes, I will welcome it, If things get worse, Fuck it, I just might help it along.

I Signed Up To YouMilex - Investments Today

James has been after me to sign up on this for some time, after 4-Bucks and Megalido, I am really sceptical about signing up on anything. I decided to invest $100 to see just what it will do for me. It is supposed to pay 25% every 10 days, so in 40 days I should double my money.
I have told Rachel that I would share my proceeds with her on a 50/50 basis and I will. I was under the impression, from James originally that it would take some time to do this, but it really doesn't. I guess it was something else that he was talking about.
I have mathematically figured it out and it's possible to make $9000 a year, gross. Our shares would be about $4500 each. I am still not completely sure how it all works, but before I keep re-investing the profits to build a solid investment, I will surely check it all out.
We have both been bamboozled by scammers, but I feel good about this one as someone else has worked with it for a while and has made some serious money.
Maybe I can pay Kim's bills off and get that credit card down to zero again.

There are times I wonder *****

There times I really wonder, is life worth living any more. I try to talk to Doris and she doesn't want to talk about anything, unless it's money she might get. Today, I wanted to talk to her about a lot of things, but she was watching TV. Of course, that was more important.
I feel trapped anymore in my own home. If it wasn't for my computer, I would be totally lost as I do talk to a couple of people. Everyone is so busy now-a-days, no one seems to have time to talk to an old man. I get the feeling that I am being tolerated.
I'm down to just one person a day and it's getting leaner and leaner all the time. She always had time before, but it seems she is also too busy any more.
I go to work, I come home hurting all over every day, I have supper and maybe watch TV and go to bed. Then I get up and do it all over again.
If I died today, who would really care.
I keep my powder actuated tool handy, just in case I get the urge to use it.

Recovering From My Depression

I get very depressed just going to work and coming home to do all the work in the house too.
Doris is very sharp with me anymore. I believe it's because she quit smoking and she is trying to overcome the withdrawal she must be going through now.
I am not doing very well in BT anymore, but I firmly believe it's because of the economy not the system. I have decided to "Go With The Flow" for 6 months and if it is still the same, I will quit.
I have a hard time believing that Rachels' condition, (personality disorder) has a damn thing to do with wanting to be involved with BT or not. I accept her decision to quit as she was spending way too much and not getting much back, however, the decision to spend that much was an impulse decision and not anything to do with "Personality Disorders".
The way I see it, if everybody that has a web based business has a personality disorder, then there are millions upon millions of people with the same problem - including me.
I wish I was in a position to help her and Jon financially, She is so important to me.

There are times I wonder why I bother to write anything in this site as I am the only one that reads it.
Anyway, talking to Rachel is my way of getting rid of my depression as we have fun and get silly with our discussions back and forth. It's so much fun for me.