A Cut in Pay From The Government

Another Government screw-up.

I just saw that Social Security will be cut this year and also maybe next year for Millions of recipients, like Doris and Me.
Prices are going up and up and up, but now my income is going to go down.
We have the worst President our country has ever had - without a doubt.
An economic analist figured out that the money he has already given away will take approximately 35,000 years to repay. Thats probably a little inflated, but it will take literally hundreds of years to get out of debt. Our taxes will go out of sight forever.
Life sucks anymore, I wonder sometimes if I shouldn't just pull the plug on it all.
No Matter what I do, I just can't get ahead. Oh well, I keep it handy, it's locked and loaded, ready to use.

The End Of An Era - Horses

All good things must come to an end.

Yesterday was the last day of the Huntingdon County Fair this year, 2009. Andy was fortunate to have his horses win ribbons and get placed in high positions in their competitions. Two first prizes and one Grand Champion prize.
He said to me that he was no longer able to compete in many things as he was hurt a year ago by a horse at the fair, so he decided to sell his horses while they were hot and loaded with ribbons. They were also becoming unaffordable to keep and giving them daily attention was also getting impossible too.
I was sorry to see them go, as one gets attached to animals, but it was his decision.

Now that he sold them, he decided to buy a pontoon boat that the whole family can enjoy. He convinced me to go half on the cost, so I did. Now we own a boat that I will probably only use once or twice a year - if that.
I haven't even seen it yet.

Today is good day and a bad day.

Good Beginning and Bad Ending

We went to the County Fair and Andy's horse, Stormy, won three prizes this year so far. He won two first prizes in things entered and also won the Grand Champion prize - WOW ~!!!!!

The bad ending is that Doris tripped over a cable and hurt her wrist. It's the same wrist that was broken a few years ago. I wrapped it up in a bandage for her, but I do think she will have to go to the doctors tomorrow. Maybe it should be x-rayed.
I truly hope it's OK. I guess we will see.

I learned something about myself when Doris fell. I knelt down to assist her in getting back up and I couldn't do it. A young man nearby had to help her get back on her feet and also had to help me too. I couldn't get up.

Lastly, the roof leak that I firmly believed I had fixed is leaking again - Damn.
I will have to get up there to fix it again.

A New Realization

Rachel has had me read a lot of information concerning her problem. She has been diagnosed as having "Borderline Personality Disorder".
I have read tons of information concerning this and have come to a shocking realization.
If I am to believe all that I have read, I have it too.
It does explain a lot and why I am the way that I am and things I have done.
This is very scary. What do I do Now.
I am 72 years old, so I guess I will just keep going as I have been and hope for the best.
I guess this is God's way of getting me to see me for what I really am, I wonder.
I have lived my life trying to live up to the promise I made to "The Light" and I will continue - No matter what.
Rachel doesn't know it, but she is helping me every day by being my best friend.

My Friend Is Going Thru a Rough Time Now

My friend has fallen to a very strong state of feelings that have made her do things once again that threaten her whole life as she knows it.
I talk to her, but I don't think she fully hears me. I want to help and I try, but It isn't doing any good. At least, it dosn't seem to be helping.
I have told her I would never abandon her and I never will until I die. Even then, she is in my will.
As long as she will allow me to try, I will keep on trying.
That's all I can do.

I Am Very Worried about Myself and My Best Friend

Today at about 5:30 pm at the store, I reached up to touch something and my whole right arm went completely numb. At that moment I thought of a gazillion things it could be, from stroke to a pinched nerve with a heart attack somewhere in the middle of it all.
I still don't know what it is but my arm doesn't feel right. It doesn't hurt but it doesn't feel right. There is a minor stinging sensation going on here and there in the arm now.

My best friend Rachel, has given me permission to read her Diary from time to time. What I read today was upsetting as well as scary. Upsetting because she indicated she was so depressed that she gave very strong thought to suicide. I honestly thought that chatting with her as I do, she would have shared those feelings with me and I could have talked to her and helped her deal with those feelings. I am glad she decided to go to a doctor and get checked for whatever, but I am somewhat hurt that I didn't even know or have an inkling.
I think of her as a member of my family, as a daughter and I would do whatever it takes to help her. Damn it, Damn it, Damn it - why didn't she tell me. It hurts because I feel I wasn't trusted enough to tell.
The only thing even close to saying anything was, she did say she was feeling down in the dumps but believed it was the gloomy weather they were having. I guess I am going to have to start reading between the lines, I never thought I needed to do that with her, as she was always so open with me. I know she told me stuff she didn't even tell her husband. I wonder if she shared her feelings with Jon, I would like to think she did, but now, I wonder.

Back to me, if this condition persists tonight, I think I should go to the hospital to be checked. I do think it's a pinched nerve though - not life threatening or a heart attack.

3 Day Vacation at Campgrounds

It's hard for me to accept.

I am so used to chatting with my best friend every day that when, for legitimate reasons, I can't - I am having a very hard time adjusting to it. I don't think she is having the same problem as I am.
I am sure that when she thinks about it, she misses chatting too, but having such a good time with her family, it's hard to believe, I am on her mind very much.
I have asked her to learn to text on her cell phone, but I don't think she wants to learn or simply doesn't want to be tied to me in any way when on vacation.
I have done my best not to text to her as I want to give her the vacation time she deserves. It's so very hard to look at my cell phone and not text something, even something as simple as saying "Hi, how are you doing?".
It's only been 3 days and they are going away for 2 weeks at the end of June and part of July, starting on the 27th of June til the 10th of July. I know I will miss talking to her very much and she said she would miss chatting with me too. I have a decision to make concerning texting, as I could send some little message every day or so, but I should ask her to see if it would be OK to do so.
Last, but not least, She will be away on the 4th of July (my birthday) and I was hoping to get at least a "Happy Birthday" from her. I haven't said anything to her lately about my health, but things are not going as well as I would want. I know I am failing pretty fast, as when I come home from work, there are some evenings - I can hardly move. The computer is a laptop on the coffee table, so I don't have to go downstairs as I used to. I get out of breath going up and down the steps anymore. I try to be very upbeat about everything when I talk to her, no matter how I feel, as I don't want to turn our chats into "Pity Party" discussions.
I have told her and Jon that I was preparing to go to Canada to visit, which I am, but the actual reality is I probably can't afford the trip anyway or worse, physically not able to go either.
I don't think I have many more birthdays to go. Even my neighbors can see it as they have taken the responsibility of mowing my lawn and shoveling the snow.
I guess I am just an Old Man trying not to lose the only TRUE friend I ever had.
I feel so lucky to have such a friend, many live their whole life and never have a friend like Rachel.

Another Great Day With My Best Friend

Thursday, April 30, 2009
Good Morning Rachel
9:14 AM
I had a hard time getting this laptop going. Automatic downloads kept interupting me.
9:15 AM
Sorry, I am a little late.
9:15 AM

Me
Rachel Neil is Available
(9:16 AM)

Rachel Neil
did you sleep in a little this morning?
9:16 AM
That was part of it
9:16 AM

Me

Rachel Neil
it's your other day off, you can sleep in if you feel like it.
9:16 AM
I don't want to miss our good morning startup chats.
9:17 AM

Me

We talked all day until we both turned in for the day.
I really do enjoy talking to Rachel and I have to believe she does too.

Another Good Day With My Best Friend

Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Rachel Neil is offline.
You can send Rachel Neil an email
(9:42 AM)
Good morning Rachel
9:45 AM
I slept in big time today, it's my day off . It's almost 10.am here.
9:46 AM
Wake up, wake up .... Time is wasting away!!!
9:57 AM
Why are you late today, you are never this late.
10:04 AM
It's raining this morning ... So what's new??? HaHa
10:05 AM

We spoke all day, I really enjoyed it.

I Am Happy About The Change

I was on Yahoo E-Mail with Rachel and out of the blue she said she was trying to download the Yahoo Messenger. In a couple of minutes, there it was. Rachel Neil on the screen in my Yahoo Messenger. That was yesterday and we have been chatting all day today and yesterday too.
For me - it's great !!!! I'm not sure why she did that, but I am glad she did.

Re-Occuring Dreams - They are scary !!!

When I am really upset or stressing about something, I get the same re-occuring dream. It's not fully re-occuring, it's re-occuring in concept. I always have to be someplace and park my car, then when it's time to go home, I can't find my car. I can't even find the parking lot. The more I search, the deeper I get lost. I usually end up in the absolute worst parts of a city that I don't recognize. I don't even know what city it is. It finally gets the point that I am so scared that I wake up. Thank God, I am Home!!!
I wonder what the dream is trying to say ????

Another Big Let Down

I was on the phone with Publishers Clearing House and based on what was said, I thought I had a better than even chance to win the $5000 a week for life. No Such Luck. I was to call back at 7:15pm on Feb 26 to find out.
The numbers given to me over the phone were not mine. I was very disappointed - still am.

I Shared My Deepest and Darkest Secret

I shared my deepest and darkest secret with my best friend, Rachel.
I have actually put the gun in a place that is not easy to get at, so I will have the time to reconsider, if it should come to that. I once had it in my mouth and at the very last minute, changed my mind - the phone rang and it gave me that last second to think.
I became a little sadder today when she said that she felt betrayed by me and she fully trusted and believed me in the Berry Tree. Many of the things I said have turned out to be un-true, but at the time I said, what I said, I fully believed it to be true. Nutronix made so many changes that most could not comprehend or keep up with. As I understand, they were purely based on legal problems that were brought upon them by other MLM's.
They promised a guarantee and now they can't keep their promise. I and many others, have been betrayed by Nutronix, I really didn't betray Rachel or anyone else in my down line. The company betrayed us all and now I and many others are dealing with the domino effect.
It really hurt when she said that - I had to take a moment to recover from my emotions.
I have decided to forgive her for that statement as she is under a lot of stress due her condition.

Something Seems Wrong

I have asked the doctors about my test results a couple of times and have been told they don't have them back yet.
Usually, I can get the results within 3 to 5 days. So, I am wondering what it is they are not telling me.
I am going to keep pushing them until they get pissed off and finally tell me.
Up Date:
Just got the results, looks like I will live long enough to pay the bill.
Why do I have so much pain every day????? They don't know.

Screwed Again

I invested $100.00 in a new HYIP that Jim said was a good one.
It was called "YouMilex".
They went bust - no payout.
Screwed again, by the fickle finger of fate !!!!!

I Am Going To Have A Hard Time With It

If Jon shuts down the Internet and I can't talk to Rachel, I will have a very hard time dealing with it. I have offered to pay for the Internet to keep it on and he has apparently refused to accept any money, from me, to assist them in their monetary problems.

I have tried to talk to Rachel on the Yahoo Messenger and it's being blocked and immediately re-routed to his cell phone.

I sent another messenger to Rachel from MSN and she accepted to use it. We did use it for a few minutes, but she wanted to watch TV. That proved that it worked and I didn't need another Net.Passport. I already have three. That one now appears to be blocked too.

Back to what will I do, I don't know, but I feel so strongly about keeping her as a friend that I feel like I would kill to keep her friendship. Of course, I wouldn't, but that's how I feel.
I do know one thing, that is if anyone ever hurt any one of my children, that would include Rachel, I would take appropriate action based on the hurt - even terminate if appropriate.
I also feel that Rachel is not getting some of my e-mails as I tell her stuff and a day or so later she says she didn't know anything about it, and I have to go over it again. WHY ??

I don't have much to look forward to every day, except talking to my one and only friend, Rachel; and her husband might take that away from me.
I am just as obsessed with talking to Rachel, as she is about Kelly. I get up in the morning and she is my first thought and when I go to bed at night, she is my last thought. God only knows, I know how she feels. Who knows, I may have some kind of a personality disorder too, I already believe we are kindred spirits. I wish she was my real daughter as I love her like one.
She is hurting all the time because of her feelings and now I will be hurting all the time because of mine, if he cuts the Internet off. I will go nuts and my family will not know why. How could I explain all this to Doris, she would see it as something else, then life would not be worth getting up for.

I wonder, if I did win the lottery and send her, say, a million dollars, what would she really do. Go out on her own and be free, or continue with life as it is.
I probably won't live long enough to find out anyway, as I think the doctors know more than they are saying. I am in physical pain all the time. It hurts to sit, stand, bend over, walk and it even hurts when I go to bed. I sneezed a little while ago and the pain that ran up my back and across my sholders was almost unbearable, what is that.? I know that I won't survive the third cancer attack, so I have resigned my self to simply go peacefully. There will be no Chemotherapy or any other recommended treatment. I will use pain pills and also natural cures I found on the web, who knows, they just might work.
I guess when you think about it, Jon doesn't have to shut me down - God is going to do it for him.
So, now I must be prepared for the mental pain and anguish in addition to the physical pain I already have to deal with. Sometimes, I get the feeling Rachel gets tired of talking to me, but, I will never get tired of talking to her.
I once said I wanted to live to be 106 years old, on second thought, who in hell would want to live for 35 more years in the pain that I have to endure every day. When my time comes, I will welcome it, If things get worse, Fuck it, I just might help it along.

I Signed Up To YouMilex - Investments Today

James has been after me to sign up on this for some time, after 4-Bucks and Megalido, I am really sceptical about signing up on anything. I decided to invest $100 to see just what it will do for me. It is supposed to pay 25% every 10 days, so in 40 days I should double my money.
I have told Rachel that I would share my proceeds with her on a 50/50 basis and I will. I was under the impression, from James originally that it would take some time to do this, but it really doesn't. I guess it was something else that he was talking about.
I have mathematically figured it out and it's possible to make $9000 a year, gross. Our shares would be about $4500 each. I am still not completely sure how it all works, but before I keep re-investing the profits to build a solid investment, I will surely check it all out.
We have both been bamboozled by scammers, but I feel good about this one as someone else has worked with it for a while and has made some serious money.
Maybe I can pay Kim's bills off and get that credit card down to zero again.

There are times I wonder *****

There times I really wonder, is life worth living any more. I try to talk to Doris and she doesn't want to talk about anything, unless it's money she might get. Today, I wanted to talk to her about a lot of things, but she was watching TV. Of course, that was more important.
I feel trapped anymore in my own home. If it wasn't for my computer, I would be totally lost as I do talk to a couple of people. Everyone is so busy now-a-days, no one seems to have time to talk to an old man. I get the feeling that I am being tolerated.
I'm down to just one person a day and it's getting leaner and leaner all the time. She always had time before, but it seems she is also too busy any more.
I go to work, I come home hurting all over every day, I have supper and maybe watch TV and go to bed. Then I get up and do it all over again.
If I died today, who would really care.
I keep my powder actuated tool handy, just in case I get the urge to use it.

Recovering From My Depression

I get very depressed just going to work and coming home to do all the work in the house too.
Doris is very sharp with me anymore. I believe it's because she quit smoking and she is trying to overcome the withdrawal she must be going through now.
I am not doing very well in BT anymore, but I firmly believe it's because of the economy not the system. I have decided to "Go With The Flow" for 6 months and if it is still the same, I will quit.
I have a hard time believing that Rachels' condition, (personality disorder) has a damn thing to do with wanting to be involved with BT or not. I accept her decision to quit as she was spending way too much and not getting much back, however, the decision to spend that much was an impulse decision and not anything to do with "Personality Disorders".
The way I see it, if everybody that has a web based business has a personality disorder, then there are millions upon millions of people with the same problem - including me.
I wish I was in a position to help her and Jon financially, She is so important to me.

There are times I wonder why I bother to write anything in this site as I am the only one that reads it.
Anyway, talking to Rachel is my way of getting rid of my depression as we have fun and get silly with our discussions back and forth. It's so much fun for me.