I Am Going To Have A Hard Time With It

If Jon shuts down the Internet and I can't talk to Rachel, I will have a very hard time dealing with it. I have offered to pay for the Internet to keep it on and he has apparently refused to accept any money, from me, to assist them in their monetary problems.

I have tried to talk to Rachel on the Yahoo Messenger and it's being blocked and immediately re-routed to his cell phone.

I sent another messenger to Rachel from MSN and she accepted to use it. We did use it for a few minutes, but she wanted to watch TV. That proved that it worked and I didn't need another Net.Passport. I already have three. That one now appears to be blocked too.

Back to what will I do, I don't know, but I feel so strongly about keeping her as a friend that I feel like I would kill to keep her friendship. Of course, I wouldn't, but that's how I feel.
I do know one thing, that is if anyone ever hurt any one of my children, that would include Rachel, I would take appropriate action based on the hurt - even terminate if appropriate.
I also feel that Rachel is not getting some of my e-mails as I tell her stuff and a day or so later she says she didn't know anything about it, and I have to go over it again. WHY ??

I don't have much to look forward to every day, except talking to my one and only friend, Rachel; and her husband might take that away from me.
I am just as obsessed with talking to Rachel, as she is about Kelly. I get up in the morning and she is my first thought and when I go to bed at night, she is my last thought. God only knows, I know how she feels. Who knows, I may have some kind of a personality disorder too, I already believe we are kindred spirits. I wish she was my real daughter as I love her like one.
She is hurting all the time because of her feelings and now I will be hurting all the time because of mine, if he cuts the Internet off. I will go nuts and my family will not know why. How could I explain all this to Doris, she would see it as something else, then life would not be worth getting up for.

I wonder, if I did win the lottery and send her, say, a million dollars, what would she really do. Go out on her own and be free, or continue with life as it is.
I probably won't live long enough to find out anyway, as I think the doctors know more than they are saying. I am in physical pain all the time. It hurts to sit, stand, bend over, walk and it even hurts when I go to bed. I sneezed a little while ago and the pain that ran up my back and across my sholders was almost unbearable, what is that.? I know that I won't survive the third cancer attack, so I have resigned my self to simply go peacefully. There will be no Chemotherapy or any other recommended treatment. I will use pain pills and also natural cures I found on the web, who knows, they just might work.
I guess when you think about it, Jon doesn't have to shut me down - God is going to do it for him.
So, now I must be prepared for the mental pain and anguish in addition to the physical pain I already have to deal with. Sometimes, I get the feeling Rachel gets tired of talking to me, but, I will never get tired of talking to her.
I once said I wanted to live to be 106 years old, on second thought, who in hell would want to live for 35 more years in the pain that I have to endure every day. When my time comes, I will welcome it, If things get worse, Fuck it, I just might help it along.